Monday, 5 December 2011

one year on

My lack of postings have been due to a combination of contentment with my life and a fear of boring you all to sleep!
I think I will start with how good life is at the moment and a far cry of how it was this time last year.
The weeks leading up to Christmas were filled with the usual excitement and business but tainted with the fear and dread of food, food and more food.  This year will be different....this year will be fun and I will be living.

When I think back to last year it makes me sad.  Sad that I wasted so much time obsessing about the way I looked and what I put or didn't put in my mouth.  This year I love the way I look and cannot wait to sit down for Xmas lunch, open the tin of chocolates and sit on the sofa with that feeling of stuffed contentment.

I feel sad for those out there who are still struggling, particularly for those who are not quite ready to take the next step to recovery.  I say to you, just try it, just take that first baby step, I did and I won.
I wish i could help, just say something to make you cross that line.  When I hear of sufferers who have had periods in hospital I realise how people who care about me would have felt.  I just want to do something to help, to make it go away, but I feel so helpless. Don't give up hope, I am so proud of how far you have come and I know you can move on further.....you know who you are. xxx

For those of you who have been following my blog you will know who SWEDA are, many of you helped with fundraising, remember that 7 mile walk, blowing a gale with sand in our faces!!
Somerset & Wessex eating disorders Association are a small charity which run a specialised service for sufferers of eating disorders and their families/carers. To my knowledge they are the only one in this area!
I have attended many of their monthly support groups which provided a safe and non judgemental environment in which to share experiences and offer support to each other.  They also offer an affordable counselling service which is a gods send as the NHS waiting lists is horrendous.
I heard the sad news recently that the primary care trust that provided 50% of swedas funding is pulling their financial support as from January 2012. What this means for sweda long term I am unsure but I'm disgusted that this is happening.
Anorexia has the highest death rate of all mental illnesses, does this not mean anything?
Currently treatment for anorexia is dependant on an individuals BMI.  I for one was told that my weight was not low enough initially to warrant being a priority on a waiting list, it soon bloody was!!
Something drastically needs to change within the system.  Eating disorders are misunderstood, most people are ignorant of them until they see them first hand, even then friends and family can be judgemental, insensitive and think the person is behaving in an attention seeking or controlling way.
I was given a link to a lady who was running a campaign for eating disorders awareness week in Feb 2012, who needed people with experience of eating disorders to help with the campaign.
I jumped at the chance, anything to cut through the stigma. I was unfortunately disappointed.  It was a company of journalists who sold stories to TV shows, tabloid press and glossy women's magazines; the same kind who airbrush models and constantly drum into us how we should look and what we should eat!!  Not for me thanks.
So February 2012 I will need to put my thinking cap on and try to promote ed awareness week in a positive way, a way which can break down the barriers, smash the taboo...please feel free to join me.

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Fat talk and foibles.

I think this post may be a bit of a scrambled rant, and those readers who know me personally will recognise the constant going off topic and the             pauses mid sentence when I have forgotten what I was saying!!!

Fat Talk...
This is something I had difficulties with during recovery and still do now.   Now I know some off us may need to lose a few pounds, may need to eat healthier and exercise more, but is it really necessary to have a daily berating session over the size of your stomach, hips and bum!!! It appears to be a socially accepted norm to have the 'Im fat, no your not,' conversations.  I try to steer clear, wanting to pull my hair out and scream at these beautiful not overweight women who at times make me feel huge!! 
I went out at the weekend to celebrate a friends Birthday.  A group of us decided to stay overnight in Bristol, so apartment sorted, posh frocks on we hit the city centre for dinner and a club.  Long story short one of the prettiest girls both inside and out was again slagging off her (very flat) stomach...aagghhhhhhh  Oh please girl, take a look in the mirror...
This set me on edge straight away, I was comparing her legs to mine, who's were thinner?  How much was she eating and to make matters worse some young lad asked me if I was my mates Mother!!! It was like being kicked in the teeth (actually I had rotten toothache after 4 fillings and an extraction.)
At that point I wanted to leave, I felt bloody old but that just made it worse. But I didn't leave, I did what any self respecting 44 year old would do...have a couple of shots of cherry sourz and get pole dancing :)
I do hope that my marks and Spencer magic knickers were not on display!!

So to round up, ladies stop damaging your self esteem and those around you, ditch the fat talk and love the skin your in...I try to. (or you could just mount a pole)

Going completely off topic..well just a bit, I came across an old diary which I had started (and finished!!) last August and September.  It was written whilst I was in the throes of my ED and I hardly recognised the content.  Not only can I not remember writing it but I could not recognise myself in it.  Who was this frail, scared person trying to find some light through the darkness?  It certainly didn't sound like me.  Although at times painful it still had a glint of humour, the real me trying to escape. The food diary was shockingly sparse, and If I'm truthful It was probably exaggerated to look better with the therapist!  Thank goodness I don't write one now as I would need a bigger book :)

Nite all. xxxx

Monday, 12 September 2011

Get off my lap!!!

Theres an app on facebook which throws up old status's and today mine said ' I wish I could write a letter to a certain someone and have the courage to post it!'
Last week I saw that 'certain someone,' for the first time in over 6 months. I felt physically sick, wanted to punch her in the face (not me at all!!), all the hurt and pain she had caused to others was once again brought to the surface.  I carried on as normal, went grocery shopping and whilst browsing the shelves realised I was once again looking at the calorie values on packets!!!  The way I was feeling was showing in ways it shouldn't.
When I went to support group this week we discussed how the actions of others can affect the way you are feeling and how that in turn can move onto behaviours with food.  The need to be in control when you cannot control your emotions/feelings.
The group leader told us a story of how she would 'brush' others from her body, in a sense telling them to get off her lap...
So, this is my letter and I hope one day you may read it and know its especially for you!

I regret the day I met you, the day I befriended you, accepted you for who you were no questions asked.
I introduced you to my friends, chatted late at night over your troubles, trusted you....
How could I have known you had an ulterior motive, a hidden agenda.
You left a path of destruction wherever you went, you lied, you manipulated, you would tread on anyone who got in your way, in way of what you wanted. At the time I was at my lowest point and you knew that.  You lied about me and to me, accused me of paranoia and jealousy and at that time I was ready to give in to you but those close to me were worth more than that.
You hurt people, you damaged friendships, relationships.....but we were stronger than you.
I lost my faith and trust in people for a while but I'm getting back........so for the last time, GET OFF MY FUCKING LAP!!!!

Sunday, 14 August 2011

Life is good.

It has been nearly 4 weeks since my last post and life is good.  :) 
My relationship with food has changed dramatically as has the relationship with myself.
I feel proud with what I have achieved both emotionally and in my every day life.
I no longer take any medication, except for osteoporosis.  It was a difficult time withdrawing from the Anti-depressants, periods of sadness, anxiety and physical symptoms.  At the time all of these were easy to use as an excuse for not eating, and yes on occasions this happened, but I stayed positive, focused on how far I had come and challenged my thoughts and motives.
I do not know how much I weigh and am OK with that.  I may grumble about my stomach on occasions but generally I like my body....and I like even more whats inside it.  My husband like it even more  :)

I have learned a lot over this period in my life..
  • being thinner does not make me a better person.
  • An eating disorder will initially make things seem better but in the long run it affects your way of thinking and ultimately lies to you.
  • regular eating WILL stop you bingeing.
  • Relapse does not mean failure.
  • Giving up is not an option.
  • Asking for help does not make you weak.
  • friends and family will be there for you but there is a limit to how much they can take...they are hurting too.
  • Life is too precious to mess up.
Much love to you all, stay healthy and happy.

Saturday, 23 July 2011

Hiccups

When I originally met with the Ed Nurse at the start of my recovery, one of the questions she asked was 'what weight would I be happy to get to.'  At that time my weight was so low and my mindset was so fixed that the thought of putting on that amount of weight seemed so huge.  I would never know how I felt until I reached that point.
Well I am now at that point.  Initially when I was weighed I had a figure in my head which I would be ok with, thankfully I was a little under that number.  I had reached a massive milestone both physically and emotionally, something which at certain points I thought would be impossible to achieve and I should be proud of that achievement.
My last visit I couldn't wait to get out and be discharged, this time was different.  I had a lot of anxiety over losing the support and was apprehensive about the future.
I would be lying if I said that things were back to normal.  The negative thoughts are creeping back in....I have a choice to listen to them or not.  I am terrified of getting any bigger than I am now despite knowing that I am just on the border of a normal weight scale.  I know I am not being as proactive as I should be with my lifestyle and eating, and the urge to weigh myself is unbelievable but I'm trying to keep this in check.
I need to keep looking back at how things were just to remind me of how this illness actually made me feel not what I thought it made me feel.
I have recently started to come off my anti-depressants so I am hoping that these feelings may subside on their own!!
I am not overly concerned just treading carefully, hiccups can be overcome.

Saturday, 16 July 2011

The Dummies guide to Turkey :)

Our annual holiday is something I always look forward to.  I love the planning, the anticipation and even the packing!  This years holiday couldn't come around sooner.
Our last holiday was September 2010 in Rhodes.  It was a week filled with peace, hope and sadness.
I was possibly at my lowest both emotionally and physically.  There was a point in the few months prior that Kev was contemplating cancelling as he did not think that physically I was able to cope.  I have always needed something to look forward to, something positive in my life, something good to balance out the dark days and this time was no exception.
The holiday venue at the time was immaterial, I just needed the time out, a change from problems that were dragging me down and some quality time with the other half.
Despite having a great time the food issues were always evident.  A week of living on salad, not having the energy to walk in the heat from A to B and the  constant worry of weight gain and the dreaded weigh in with the ED nurse on my return also left a bitter taint to the otherwise sunny time.......this year was going to be different.
So skip back 2 weeks to July 1st, the trip to Bristol airport, one point of Guinness, 2 Valium, a quick frisk in security and its Bye Bye Burnham On Sea, hello Antalya Turkey.
In order to make things less boring for my reader I will split this post into sections.....

The Hotel.
The Cennet hotel is on the bustling resort of Side in Antalya, Turkey.  the brochure boasted a double room, balcony with garden view and private beach with free sunbeds.  Translation, beach is shared with numerous other hotels as far as the eye can see, sunbeds are free but you need to pay for mattresses.  Rooms you can hardly swing a cat in, very little storage (or maybe I packed too much!!) Balcony is approximately 5 foot square, garden view was a bush with someones pants from the room above which overlooked the hotel shop!!! 
After reading trip advisor I was concerned about the noise from a local disco but my fears were unfounded, the only noise we had to deal with were the delivery lorries and laundry vans...we were luckily enough to have our room situated in front of the lorry loading bays!!!
We decided on half board this year, firstly to keep the cost down and secondly I wanted to make the most of my freedom from the hatred of food. I can honestly  say the food was good, well presented, lots of choice and constant flowing wine on the house.
The waiting staff were friendly, polite and very hard working.  The downside was we were generally 2 hours behind everyone else for Breakfast and Dinner so it was a bit rushed at times.  I learned to keep a fork in my hand at all times otherwise my plate was removed.  For someone who is seriously getting into hummus I was not impressed when I had disappearing dip!!
I have to mention the Turkish flat bread. (ekme─či ) It was never served at the hotel but we ate it often on the occasssions we ventured into town. Delicious served with seafood, tadziki and salsa dips.

The table arrangements were something I had only encountered at Butlins, we were always seated in the same place and had other guests with us, more on those later!

Health and Safety.
Remember to wearr suncream at all times!  The sun was so hot that I needed factor 50 whilst in the shade and sat under a parasol.  On two occasions I used the wrong bottle and ended up with severe sun burn, my legs resembled burnt sausages which hadn't been turned and going home on your last day with a red chest and white marks from a halter neck bikini is not a good look!!
Buy a hat. Preferably not one which makes you look like someone from brokeback mountain; unless of course you want to be heckled by waiters shouting 'sexy cowboy'whilst walking down the prom!!!  Thanks Kev  :)


Be careful of the dodgy electrics.   Quite difficult sleeping with a live electrical wire hanging above the headboard stuck together with a bit of gaffer tape.


Toilets.
My first experience of a Turkish toilet was at the airport.  Trying to pee whilst keeping feet in position and squatting is not easy when still a little drowsy from Valium.
Was caught short when in the centre of Side so decided to pay the local public loos a visit.  Very clean and presentable, impressed with the polite attendant who said we didn't need to pay until we came out.
Wasn't until he asked 'one or two' that we realised you payed dependant on what your ablution was!!!!

Shopping.
Turkey is counterfeit central, but unfortunately no fake Vivienne westwood shoes.
Most of the shops and bazaars work on the basis of haggling, which is difficult when you are unsure of what is the starting point.  Did manage to pick up some 'quality' souvenirs for friends...hope they agree.
You are constantly hassled when out, owners trying to get you into their bars, gift shops with 'you look like you need a drink' 'you hungry.'  Can you imagine going to your local shopping centre and the owner of asda shouting,'do you need bread, milk, you look like you could do with a doughnut.'

Sightseeing.
As you can imagine it was bloody hot!!  This and the cost of excursions did deter us from going out and about as much as we would have liked.
We did manage a trip to the Manavgat waterfalls which were beautiful.  We took the cheaper option, taking a taxi from the hotel to the town of Manavgat (whilst taking your life into your hands), then a boat trip to the waterfalls. We were hassled by a local boat owner who started his price at 60 Tl for us both, then after several attempts at us walking away we boarded on an agreement of 30tl for the trip.
The boat was beautiful, small and quirky with only 10 passengers.  the problem was nothing was explained to us so we were a little shocked when after a trip up the river we docked at a cafe, led to a car park and waited for 15 minutes with a lingering smell of sewerage.  Apparently we could not cross the river any further so needed to wait for a bus to take us to the falls.  When we arrived at the falls we were lucky to be early and despite it being crowded we learnt from others that it could have been busier.  we had the opportunity (all 20 minutes) to have our photos taken by the waterfall whilst standing in the water.  I swear my body nearly went into shock as it was blood ice cold.  We were then ripped off for 2 bottles of water (to drink, not from the waterfall)


On our journey back we stopped to see a turtle sat on a tree branch, on reflection I think they may have stuck a false one there as others taking the trip saw it in the same place

The centre of Side does have some beautiful ruins, especially the Temple of Apollo.  It is lit up at nightime but is somewhat overpowered by the noise from the nightclub nearby.

Entertainment.
The hotel held its own entertainment each evening.  This started with the 'kinder disco' around 9pm.  After the first few days I came to the conclusion that the compare and music was recorded as it followed the same format every day.  Old MacDonald, Agadoo, Music man, Birdie Song, some random German song which involved chooing like a train and Adults making a bridge with their arms for the Children to go under!!! Maybe this was why I attempted more than 2 glasses of wine at dinner! Oh, did i forget to mention that our table was practically on top of the animation teams staged area!!
We only stayed for a few of the acts and I am pleased to sat the Russian dancers were very good, vibrant but made me look like a porker!!!  Was slightly disturbed by the fashion show organised by the owner of a local leather factory shop.  The promise of a free taxi to his store and a gift of a leather bum-bag or leather cap did not sell it to me.  OK, Kev may have gone for the broke-back mountain look with his cowboy hat but I draw the line at a leather cap!!  Thank goodness I threw out his cut off denim shorts.
We favoured a few music bars in town; one had a guy playing an acoustic guitar who was amazing, he was like a walking juke-box.  The other we had shyed away from at first as the singer did not quite grab us.  We eventually paid it a visit and what a find.
The act was a guitar/vocalist called Ozzy.  An odd character, very friendly even to the point of offering to take us into his home town of Antalya one day. he spend a few evenings at the end of the evening talking very passionately about his cat called Diesel.  Diesel was a cross between an Iranian cat and a 'normal' cat, Ozzy was proud to show us photos.  Poor Oz, he was torn between keeping him in Antalya and bringing him to Side. His English was very good but I was quite confused at one point when he spoke about his operation to have his balls cut off!!!  Kev did explain he was actually talking about having his cat done.   Must have been the cocktails.

Dinner Guests.
For the first week we were guessing who number 512 was as we never managed to eat at the same time.  Eventually we were introduced to the lovely Jackie from Manchester. We only knew her for 3 days but she was a pleasure to have dined with.
Our next table partners were Tony and Di from Eastbourne.  Both had been Teachers for many years, had met whilst studying and had been married for over 30 years.  I always find it difficult to meet new people but Tony and Di made it so easy.  I was a little concerned that our original opinion on our Holiday may have put them off but I don't think it did.
We shared many funny stories at dinner, several cocktails afterwards and a lovely bottle of champagne which I won at the hotel lottery!!! We shared email addresses so I'm hoping we can keep in touch.

To summerise, despite it not being what we expected. spending far too much money and coming home resembling a Lobster, we did have a good time.
It was so liberating to be on a beach in a bikini with my flabby bits, not to be too hung up over how I looked.
I did have a few wobblies but no more that than average person would have.  I was hungry, I ate, I drank, I enjoyed and I wwas living again.
I have my final weigh in with the Eating Disorders Nurse this Monday.  I havent seen her for two months and I have no idea how much I weigh. I feel good about myself and I feel good about how I look.
Catch you Monday.  xxxxx

Saturday, 18 June 2011

my A to Z. the letter L

Apologies for straying from my alphabet, time to crack on with the letter L.

Love....Noun: An intense feeling of deep affection.
I try not to use the word Love unless I actually mean it.  It is branded around indiscriminately which makes it pretty meaningless.  To love someone is to never imagine them not being in your life, to never have contact with them, to have a mutual respect, to hurt when they are hurting.  Now being in love is completely different!!  :)

Lillies...my favourite flowers, especially pink ones.  Yes I know they are traditionally funeral flowers but there is something special about lillies.  The petals feels like silk, the scent is amazing, the way they open from bud...love 'em.

Lonely....I have never been on my own..From the moment I left home I have either house shared or being in a relationship, so why sometimes do I feel lonely?  I have a great group of friends but I sometimes feel I don't fit in, I feel like the ugly one in the group of good looking people...the odd friend..I'm sure some of you reading can relate to this.

Lent...never given up anything and never intend to.

Little voice.....one of my favourite films. I can see myself in Jane Horrocks.  A timid, plain girl engrossed in a fantasy of her late fathers music with the most hypnotic and amazing voice.  (I wish!!)

Late...punctuality is not one of my attributes.  If you arrange a date with me I would suggest you tag an extra half an hour on to make sure |I arrive on time!!!!

Monday, 13 June 2011

what a change

Have been looking back at my wish list which I posted in February, and how things have changed.
I am pleased to say that I am winning, if not passed the winning line and got a gold!
Food is no longer my enemy, it doesn't scare me or haunt my every waking moment.
I can shop without the stress and anxiety, I pick out food becausee I like it not because it is low fat or low calorie.
I recognise when I am hungry and know when to stop!
I cook for the family and eat the same meal...on the same size plate.
Eating out is not a chore but a joy.
I eat chocolate because I fancy it, the same goes for crisps, biscuits and nuts.
I feel good about myself, healthy, worthy, beautiful.
Don't be despondent, don't give up, fight for your life...you can do it and you are worth it. xx

Monday, 6 June 2011

water babes.

Its been a while since my last post and things have been hectic but good.
I started my weeks leave from work with a camping trip on the Wye valley.  For those of you who are not familiar with this part of the country it is on the welsh border in the county of Powys or Herefordshire.
A group of nineteen of us stayed at the Hollybush campsite which is a very rustic campsite with a quaint pub and restaurant, it is on the banks of the river Wye and is popular with those wanting to canoe and kayak.
We had previous experience over a year ago when we camped in a very cold October......the site was cheap, and to be honest we got what we paid for!!! It is run by a lovely woman called Barbara, a bit of a barefooted, bra-less hippy from new Zealand.
She had her bedroom in the pub bar area and could be seen walking through the restaurant in her swimming costume as she was going for a shower!!
She is now a bit of a local TV celebrity as was recently on Channel 5's Hotel Inspector, I am pleased to say that after the show was aired her facilities are a little more usable whilst still keeping the quirky charm.
Background info done, back to the weekend.
We set camp on the Saturday after leaving home at the ungodly hour of 7am.  The site was very busy but we managed to find a spot in the tepee field, shaded by the trees.  Tents erected, kettles boiled, sandwiches made...the beginning of an adventure.
The first evening was pretty chilled, lots of humour, the cider was flowing and the compulsory game of fluffy bunny.  I cannot believe that Damien managed to fit 30 marshmallows into his mouth without chewing or being sick!!!
We all settled down for an early night ready for the next day of kayaking.....or so we thought!!!
I was one of the lucky ones, I will sleep through anything unlike my merry team of campers who were kept awake to the merry throngs of Kumbaya from the hooray Henry's in the tepees til the early hours.
The Saturday morning begun with a hearty breakfast cooked by Jen and Gly and after squeezing into my sexy wetsuit we set off for the river.
Now we had a few kayaking virgins with us, and they played safe by sticking to the almost unsinkable Canadian canoes.....note I said ALMOST unsinkable!!!!!
Some were 2 up and others 3, a few of us took to the one man kayaks and paddled upstream ready for the 13 mile trip which took us to the boat and anchor.  the river was at a good level, the rapids were gentle but had enough power to make you work a little over them.
What happened next I missed!!!   There was I, merrily paddling away, singing to myself along with my ipod and when I looked back there was no one....just me and the river.
I waited a while, then a little while longer before deciding to go back on myself to find the crew.
Well what happened was carnage.......they had been playing human dominoes on the weir!!!!  Not one, not two or three, but four of the almost unsinkable canoes had turned over. 
Andrea was hanging off a tree, one was wearing a canoe as a hat and as for poor Jen,  she probably peed herself as no one would notice!!!  Thankfully they all survived to tell the tale and were very grateful for the campfire when they got back to camp later.
Did I fall in?  Thank goodness no, but I did have a few wobbly moments I was choose not to happen again.
All in all it was a good weekend, great company, good food and hilarious memories.

Thursday, 26 May 2011

For Becky, rest in peace. xx

We Can't take back the things we said,
We cannot change the things we did,
Two years have gone since you have passed,
I still feel guilt, the pain, the loss.


It will be two years today since my friend Becky died.  We were best friends for over twelve years but we hadn't spoken for a year before her death.
We had a brilliant friendship, but unfortunately things got in the way, words were spoken which couldn't be wiped clear and the friendship ended.
Despite this I could never forget the good times we had.  I suppose its a bit like when you get divorced, you may not be able to live with a person anymore but you often long for the fun times that you had..and we had so many!
Times with Becky were mostly fun.....yes she had her faults, who doesn't, but she was always fun to be around.  She was a very head strong person, always gave a good argument, was usually always right (or liked to think she was!!)  but always stuck up for her friends.
My favourite memory has to be one new years eve, after playing drunken twister, and 'guess who' (cue Kev sat with a post it not on his forehead!!)  we both ran to the pub wearing pink fluffy slippers with sparklers in our hands to sing on the karaoke...
Becky loved her karaoke.  She was full of confidence when up on a stage but in other ways she could be shy and lacking in confidence.  She was a bit of a prude and certain rude words could turn her a shade of pink in a matter of seconds...
She would belt out rock songs and rap songs whilst I stuck to the ballads...a big girl with a big set of lungs.

We would sing this every week.....


Rest In Peace Becky....I wish things could have been different.   xxxxxx


Tuesday, 24 May 2011

believing in yourself

Have been looking back on my 'Wish List' which I wrote in February.  The list of my hopes for the future, my goals and what I want to achieve with my recovery, and haven't I done well!!!

I haven't changed my plate size yet, so my portion sizes are possibly still on the small side but there has been improvement.
I now eat virtually the same as the rest of my family, occasionally I may have a bit of a swop with the carbs or protein but again, I'm getting there.
I do not rely on alcohol to eat a takeaway.  Instead, If I'm hungry I will go for the healthier option, ditch the kebab and go home and make a sarnie. 
Sandwiches!!!!! yes..I am now eating bread.  And I have to say I love the way it tastes, I love the smell and the fact there are a multitude of scrummy things you can put inside it.
I have no urges to over eat, I have 3 meals a day and nibble on snacks when at work.  I have started to become very tired and often dizzy which I think is my body telling me it needs more fuel to work, I listen to my body and refuel it. (thank goodness for graze boxes)   Makes sense.  My metabolism has changed and I need to recognise this.
If I want chocolate or biscuits, I eat them.  I deserve them.  I can stop before eating the whole bar but if I don't, no problem.  Tomorrow I wont be the size of a hippo I will still be me.
My thoughts are not flooded with food, what to eat or not eat.  I look forward to shopping, I am enjoying buying and trying foods I haven't eaten in ages....it is like a whole new experience and I cant wait for the new day to start when I can feel it all again.
I have no idea what I weigh and have no desire to find out.  I am aware that some of my clothes are getting tighter so I shall but new ones.

I still have insecurities about the way I look and I doubt I will ever lose them.  But I am dealing with these, I am trying to love myself inside and out.
It is support group in 2 weeks, I thought about not going, telling myself I don't need it anymore.  Maybe I don't.  What I do know is that the other group members need to know that there is hope, you can beat it, they are strong enough, and for that reason I need to attend and believe in them too.

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Dear Body....six months on.

Well its been 6 months since my first 'Dear Body', so lets see what has changed,

Dear Body,

you have had a lot of stress the past few months, both physically and emotionally.  I often wonder how you have managed to keep going, must be the fighter in you!!  I haven't been treating you well, sometimes I didn't think you deserved it, other times I needed to change you....to make you look differently so I could feel or even not feel.  I am trying to put that right.

Dear Hair.... you are still red!!  I apologise for the dreadful incident with the peroxide, one of my impulsive but regret later moments.  I cannot promise this won't happen again but I am pleased that you are getting your shine back and  that I have more on my head than in the plug hole or on the pillow.

Dear Eyes,  you have shed a few tears recently, you have been empty and dull, but now you are beginning to sparkle and see in the mirror what others see. 

Dear nose,  no change!!!

Dear Boobs.....is it extravagant to buy 9 new bras?  I think not.  You deserve them, both of you. 

Dear Tummy, you're still there, the thing I like the least...I wish I could love you.Instead I cover you up and try to squeeze you down out of sight.  I hope one day our relationship will change.

Dear Bottom, It no longer hurts to sit down on you, this I like.  You may not be as pert as you once were but the right fitting jeans help.  I do wish you were not so noisy....   :)

Dear Hips,  you are now covered how you should be.  Your bones no longer stick out, I like your shape.

Dear Legs, you rock!!!

Dear Feet, I still treat you badly by being a fashion victim, I made up for it by letting the lovely fish at the spa nibble on you.  It tickled....I will do it again

In conclusion.....I will continue to give you the nourishment you deserve and keep you well and happy.  I look forward to having you around for a very long time. x

Sunday, 15 May 2011

I'm 'allowed' a bad day.

I hate this time, and Ive been here before.  The time during recovery when your body starts changing and you begin to notice.  The time when you feel sick eating different types of food, the bloating, the stomach ache the choking anxieties, the lack of acceptance of your recovering body.
I look at pictures of other woman who are very thin, and I know I shouldn't, I see their beautiful faces and think they shouldn't be going through this, they don't need to change...
I look at my self and think, I deserve everything I get!!
Getting ready to go out for the evening yesterday was a trauma.  Nothing seemed to fit, I looked and felt dreadful, my bedroom floor was cluttered with clothes that had been taken on and off whilst I sat at the end of the bed in tears.  I wanted to just put on a massive jumper and cover everything up.  Out of sight out of mind.
But I didn't, I found a floaty top that covered the areas I wasn't happy with, styled my hair differently to give me a boost and went out and had a bloody good time!!
Today has been filled with lots of contemplation, lots of self-talk and a little bit of uncertainty.
Tomorrow will be better. xx

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

I don't 'do' labels.

Had my fortnightly meet and weigh in with the ED nurse today and good news, I have progressed from having an anorexic BMI to being underweight. How good I feel to have lost that label......
But eating disorders are not all about BMI, they are about how you feel, your self esteem, your self image and your relationship with food.
The decision to give up your eating disorder is one of the most difficult things you can do.  By decision I do not mean you can change things overnight, that can never happen. Ultimately the choice is simple, live or die....and I chose to live.
Each day can still be a struggle but I am a stronger person and able to challenge my thoughts, able to fight against the disordered thinking and win.  I may not eat the same as my family, I may still choose the diet or low fat option, I still struggle with food shopping, I still have safe and unsafe foods, I worry what people will think if they see me eating cake!!!!  BUT.....I am healthy, I am happy, I eat regularly, I am moving on.
I have learnt what my triggers are and if there is a next time, I will be ready to bite back.....

I have an appointment with the ED nurse in July, she wont discharge me yet so fingers crossed for next time.

Monday, 9 May 2011

Thank You. xx

Today we did the 7 mile beach walk in aid of sweda (somerset and wessex eating disorders association) and I would like to thank all those involved, from the heart, for supporting the cause and taking part.
I had my first experience of a support group 10 years ago and vowed I would never go back.....I'm glad I did.
I met a group of like minded people, all striving for recovery in a relaxed and safe environment.  I have the utmost respect for all the volunteers of sweda who give their time with no charge.
I have never felt isolated or triggered in the group, I look forward and enjoy the monthly meetings always taking some positivity and direction from them.

For me, today was a humbling experience, we didnt have a huge amount of walkers but the people who turned up did it for me.....that may sound like Im bigging myself up but Im not.   These people have been my support, my rocks, my stability and I can't thank them enough.
Also to those who werent able to do the walk but contribute with sponsorship...not sure how much but I think we are nearing the 1K mark....

mandy losing her hat....

Becky getting her stride on...


all smiles from Deb and Jen...


Joe and debs before they got stuck in the mud!!!


Kate and Tom


Russel and Louise racing for a pint!


A well earned pint for Glyn the marshall


Oh dear Vicki, hobbling a bit.


Kev and Damien bringing up the rear.



Moi!!

Off to bed now, well earned rest., 

Friday, 6 May 2011

My A to Z, The letter K

Ok, its been a while since I have posted my A to Z so thought it a plan to continue with the lighthearted stuff..

The letter K

Karaoke....Karaoke is a word formed from putting two Japanese words together. "Kara" that comes from Karappo and means empty and "Oke", shortened from Okesutura meaning "orchestra". So Karaoke means "empty orchestra
As sad as it may seem, I love Karaoke.  I love to sing it and I love to listen to it.  I work on a Friday evening at a local  pub where I am, DJ Jackie, maestro of the krappioke karaoke.
I see a few characters there, some can sing well, some can't but all have the balls to get up and do it and bloody good for them.
My favourites are people who do not take themselves too seriously, can laugh at their flaws and are generally good entertainment.  I love a trier.  I also like those singers who get up, have amazing voices but actually don't realise.....
My pet hates.....the phrases you hear every weekend 'Im just staying for one, can I go on next?' (when they are blatantly staying put the whole night) ' but I'm really good' 'Turn the backing up' 'more reverb'. The list is endless!!!!
i love to sing , but often feel there is an expectation of a karaoke host to actually be good, to sing well!
Now I am no Catherine Jenkings but I can hold a note.  I do not have a varied range but know what I can and cannot do.  I tend to leave my song until last.....traditional really but also because at 1am most of the customers have already gone home!!
My fave karaoke songs at the moment is Adele 'someone like you.'

Kitchen.  I eventually got my own way and I now have my own cupcake kitchen, it is heaven.  The walls are marshmallow pink, shame I couldn't have got the paint from Willie Wonka as I could happily have spent days licking marshmallow flavoured walls.

When I had finished it hubby said,'wheres all my crap gone?' My dear, its in the cupcake bag of course!!!!



My beautiful Kitchen sign

I have to laugh at this picture.  The party rings were for display purposes only until I realised I was rather addicted to them!!  Funny thing is, the neck of the biscuit jar is so narrow that Kev can't get his hand in!!  More for me...yeah!
Cupcake jars with compulsory mugs


Sexy Cupcake pinny!!  Ever woman should have one (or man)
Bought for my by my lovely friend Bee, all I need now is a pair of pink fluffy mule slippers and a feather duster.



Oh, how did that get there?  It was taken in my kitchen so it almost counts....my new tattoo.  Cupcake of course.



Kev.  my wonderful husband.  We are like chalk and cheese, but we gel.  We compliment each other.
I honestly have no idea how he puts up with me sometimes, I never sit down and I never shut up!!
He is my rock, my friend, my soul mate, and I love him dearly.

Kefalonia.  My favourite Greek island.  We first went to kefalonia (Cephalonia) about 5 years ago and fell in love with it.  It had the charm of old traditional Greek without the commercialism.  It was peaceful, tranquil, friendly, just perfect.
We decided to have our wedding their in 2008 which was the most beautiful day, more than we could have imagined. The stress of organising a wedding abroad faded into the distance whilst we had our photos taken against the backdrop of clear Sky's and crystal blue seas



Kip.  slang for sleep, which Is what I need right now...night all, xxx
Oh hang on, how could I forget kebab..the compulsory culinary delight after a night on the cider.

Monday, 2 May 2011

bum!!!

I look in envy at the relationship between a friend and their mother.....I yearn for what they have.  I mourn for what I have lost, for what I may never had had....too much wine maybe!
Its been a brilliant weekend, special times spent with special people, but at the back of my mind the sadness is still there.
I am trying so hard to move on but its not easy, no one ever said it would be.  I have spent the afternoon reading through old letters from my Dad to my Mum, I wont divulge anything here but they spanned the 3 years of Dads national service and they made me cry,,,,,,,,
They truly loved each over and I am so proud to have them as my parents.   I so wish they were here today, at 44 I still feel too young to have lost both parents.
Sometimes I think I am kidding myself, other times I feel on top of the world....elated, ready to take on anything. If I'm honest  I actually dont' know what  I want, maybe I'm just out to please everyone but me..
maybe tommorrow is another day and I will feel differently.

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Today I feel proud, and I will shout it from the rooftops.
I was officially discharged from the Dietician, still need to see the E.D Nurse but I see this as a huge positive step forward.
I feel ecstatic,elated and have a greater sense of achievement than losing any amount of weight has given me.
This past week has been my best.  I have eaten a 'normal' diet for most days, yes have suffered the physical complaints, indigestion, bloating, wind (no change there), nausea, mood swings but have persevered on, fighting every negative thought and feeling on my way.
I am not kidding myself that things are how they should be, nor will I become complacent,I still need to make some changes but I am certainly winning.
When I first started writing my blog my aim was to map my journey, and now I can look back on my earlier writings and see how far I have come.
I still feel the pain and the hurt when I look back, think of what I could have become and how my life could have mapped out.  At times I did not recognise myself and I am so pleased to have the old me coming back.
I hope you will welcome me back too.

With Love. xxx

Monday, 25 April 2011

Moving On

Moving On
Its time to say goodbye,
To rid myself of a living lie,
I'm moving on. I'm biting back,
Best foot forward, right on track.

I will not mourn the friend Ive lost.
I hope again our paths wont cross,
What I love is inside me,
Not the figure in the mirror I see.

Good riddance to this shit disease,
The expectations I never achieved,
Perfection does not equal thin,
But biting back means I will win.

I’m stronger now, Ive fought the fight,
And now I ‘ll savour ever bite,
Farewell my anorexic friend,
Lets hope this truly is the end

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

The harsh reality.

I came across a website, a forum, an online community when I was at the start of my eating disorder.  I was not looking for support or friendly advice, I was looking for 'thinspiration', ways of hiding my illness from those around me.  What I found when I stumbled across 'We bite back,' were a group of like minded people, all wanting recovery, all being pro-active, supporting their forum 'oranges.'  They started to change my mind and offered me hope.
I would spend hours on an evening, especially when feeling in the depths of despair reading their online journals, taking in the positivity and strength, reaching for their one common goal.....recovery.
I had found a place where I could be open about my eating disorder with the understanding that there were ground rules.  people listened, and replied.
I didn't post as much as some but would always go back to the sticky notes when I was feeling down, needed some motivation or a reason to move on.
Today I was reminded of that reason.  A forum member died.  Now this is someone I have never met but was allowed into her thoughts, her feelings her fight to get her life back.
This is the harsh reality that ultimately eating disorders kill, even when you are ready to take the road to recovery.
God bless you Linda, if I ever needed a reason to continue eating you are it.
I am writing this whilst eating a magnum chocolate ice cream, I had a huge bite for you. Here's to biting back. xxx
http://www.webiteback.com/

Monday, 18 April 2011

Stop!!! I want to get off...

It has been a month now since Mum died and yes things are getting easier.  Life does go on and I must carry on too.
A few significant things have happened since my last blog.  I went to a friends BBQ and helped along by a few lethal cocktails I absoloutely broke my heart, it came from nowhere and was a build up of emotions over my Mum, her death, how I felt about her and the way that I was treating myself.  The next few days were a mixture of sunshine and self-pity.  My visits to the counsellor were unproductive, I was evasive, argumentative and unwilling to share.  I couldn't give a damn' and was quite happy with carrying on restricting as the alternative of allowing myself to 'feel' was too painful to deal with.  To those around me, all was well, I had lost a bit of weight but was dealing with things ok.....
The mornings were getting more difficult, I didn't want to go to work, I would think of any excuse possible not to go in then drag myself out of bed, neck a coffee and face the world.  I'm sure for most of you that is a common feeling but for someone who has fought to get back to work this was different.
I had a wonderful Saturday night out with friends.  We went for a meal which was originally planned a month ago on my Birthday but was postponed.
And It was a good night..great company apart from the meal.  I hated every minute of it.  I got through my salad and even ordered a chocolate dessert, but my emotions were all over the place.  I ate mechanically, wishing I could be elsewhere. On the way home I decided to prove I can do this, I can win so bought chips.
I ate 3 then sat sobbing.
How the hell had I let myself get to this point again, why am I wasting my life?  A quote from another said, 'It will take you longer to get out of this than it did to get in to it,' very true.
So here I am now, wanting to stop, to get off this rollercoaster, the ride is not a thrill it sickness me to the stomach.
If I stay on this path I risk losing my Husband,my friends, my job, my life.
So I have looked at the things that are stopping me from moving on and will read them daily, no sharing here I'm afraid!!
Wish me luck  No doubt I have repeated myself from previous blogs but with repetition comes learning.
Much Love. xxx

Thursday, 14 April 2011

mayonnaise and coffee.

Something to think about, and very true, author unknown.

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar..and the coffee..
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a resounding ‘yes’. The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand
The students laughed.
‘Now,’ said the professor, as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things-your family, your children, your faith, your health, your friends, and your favourite passions-things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, And your car.
The sand is everything else-the small stuff.
If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children.Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another round of golf. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.’
Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.’
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled.
‘I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend!’

My A to Z, The letter J

Back by request, my A to Z.
I have decided to reopen my blog and not allow myself to be bullied into submission by others so here goes....

Jen. 
There are 2 Jens in my life but I will start with the one who I have known for the longest and have such good memories of.  The lovely jen wade.....we met many years ago when our children were at Nursery and have shared many happy and sad times.  She has been a great strength to me particularly over the last 6 months.
I had the honour of jen being at my side at my marriage to kev in 2008 in greece, a time I will treasure forever.
I laugh when I think of our nights up at the Carousel Club, cry when i think of the time she moved to the North west, a place which i class as my second home.
I miss Jen and her family so much, well apart from Sam her Daughter who is now lodging at our house. (yes Sam, I did say lodging,  You haven't moved in permanently yet!!!)

Jen Nicholson.
Oh my god!!! I think that may be Jens catch phrase.  I have only known Jen properly for about a year or so, and what a laugh she is.
We have shared many funny and sad moments.  She has been a shoulder, the voice of reason, the sun on an otherwise cloudy day.
i have loved the sunday afternoon green goblin cider incidents, the friday, 'Im not going to the Pier,' which have ended up with Me and jen sat up till 5am, eating Chicken, playing with the cat and generally putting the worlds to right.  Jen you are one in a million.  Thank you..



Jammy.  As in 'you jammy beggar,'  I think possibly a northern phrase, something which I was often questioned upon its meaning when I moved 'down south.'

Jamie Oliver.    I love the way this guy cooks.  The way he rips at things with his hands, mixes everything in....totally scrummy.  The male version of Nigella.  He could be my cupcake King any day.

Justified and Justice!!!  Some people just have it coming there way....

Jono and the Joanies.  I was reminded of this a few days ago by Tammy my best friend at school.  Apparently when I was about 13 myself and 3 school friends attempted to start a band!!! I played the glockenspiel and the only think we could play was 'Yellow submarine!!!!.'  We even had badges made!
Sometimes i
I do wish Tammy did not have a very good memory.

Joe.




Just for you....good luck in the election. xx

Monday, 11 April 2011

motivation.

Anybody have some I could have? 
Difficult to find motivation at the moment, everything still feels a little surreal, I feel slightly jaded, a little deflated, my sparkle has gone and no amount of glittery bath bombs are giving it back.
I suppose It is understandable, I have dealt with a lot over the past few weeks and no I am not wallowing in self-pity, I am trying to come to terms with my loss, my disappointment with myself and my failings and the return to normality.
I knew that so early on significant stress could set me back but this is not something I could plan for, no writing of lists could stop it happen, no amount of talking will make the pain go away.  To be honest I'm fed up with talking to professionals, it tires me....
I am no different to anyone else who has suffered a loss, I'm sure most people deal with things in similar way.
I need to give myself time, try not to be too hard on myself, accept that I have had a set back but with a set back there is also a way forward, a way forward to a healthy life and a sense of normality.
I cannot see it around the corner, no doubt it will be a road well travelled with hurdles, obstacles in my way to trip me up but at the end.....freedom.

Friday, 8 April 2011

Trust

Dont think I have ever felt so hurt by one individual intentionally.
 What gives someone the right to use another persons thoughts against them, for no other reason than to make themselves look just that little big bigger.
Well guess what?  you didn't, you made yourself look like the pathetic individual that you are, and I am still here, head held up high, not ashamed of what I said or who I am. 
How dare you pretend to be my friend, abuse my trust and kick me when I am down.  Knowing what I have been through the past few weeks and knowing what I am still dealing with you should be ashamed of yourself.  I have no other words to say......I am seriously pissed off, angry, upset that I have needed to close my blog for fear of you linking me to local forums.  This was my one outlet, my sounding board and you have now f**ked that up!!!!
Screw you.....

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

My A to Z. The letter I

I.  Me, myself, I am unique, one of a kind.
Impatient. Very!!! I like things to be done there and then, 'Im an instant fix girl which is why I have never been successful in either growing my hair or nails. I think I have now learnt that watching the microwave go round is not going to make it cook any quicker!!!

Iridescent.  Love it.  Again I have images of pearlised pastels, glittering hues, bubbles,rainbows and all things girly.  Not tacky like those dreadful two tone trousers you could get in the 80's  Now how many of you will admit to wearing those?

Impulsive. Dreadfully so...past incidents of impulsiveness have resulted in, 4 tattoos, eyebrow piercing, cropped hair, pink hair, blonde hair, any hair you name it and Ive had it, far too many items of clothing and footwear too mention and a very expensive band for a birthday party (thankfully have now cancelled!!!)

IPod. Couldn't be without it.  My music goes everywhere with me and will often determine my mood.
Music is great for linking into your feelings, evoking emotions and memories from periods in your life. I am very much an 80's girl and will spend hours trawling you tube and Spotify for old tracks.....ahhhhhhh.

Inverness. Went there once on a holiday in a wooden cabin.  Was eaten all week by midgies, got stuck on a loch in a rowing boat when I dropped my oar, the hotel had stuffed dead animals looking at you all the time and the damn piper played his bloody bagpipes every evening in the car park!!!!  Can't wait to go back!

Invincible.  I sometimes think I am.
Nothing can touch me, everything will be fine, no need to change.
But I am not invincible, not Mrs Incredible, I am me....the fragile person under the often hard exterior. 
The shell is cracking, breaking off bit by bit with each little knock that life gives.  Eventually the soft interior will be exposed, bared open for all too see...a scrambled mixed up mess,

J tommorrow.
Much Love xxx

Monday, 4 April 2011

How should I be feeling?

How are you supposed to feel when a parent dies? When the person who brought you into this world is no longer there?
I keep asking myself, What is normal?  What should I be feeling?  How should I be reacting?
The truth is I don't know how to feel.  I am terrified of the emotions and use food to block out the hurt and the feelings of sadness. 

I was weighed today and no surprise to find out that yes I had lost weight.  I was neither elated nor disappointed. It no longer has anything to do with my dress size or how I perceive myself.  Restriction gives me a sense of control in my life, a focus, a way of numbing what I am feeling and dealing with difficulties.
Ultimately I know this cannot continue, I need to nourish myself, I have come so far in recovery but still have a long way to go.
At some point I will need to let go, to acknowledge my feelings, accept them and deal with them.
 I am scared of this as it makes me feel weak and I feel very alone.
 I hope you can understand this and have patience with me.
Thank you for listening.

Sunday, 3 April 2011

My A to Z For Elaine, the letter H

Heron.  My maiden name, My Dads name, my Mums married name.
Herons are medium to large sized birds with long legs and necks!!  Ok I will go along with the long legs but that is where the similarity ends!!  I always had problems with the pronunciation of my surname due to being tongue tyed, hence why I didnt go back to my maiden name after my divorce.  Its spelt H E R O N!!!! How many times do I have to repeat it?  Visitors to our home were greeted with a beautiful stained glass heron displayed on the front.  Now I am proud to be a Heron.

Hope.  I live in hope.  Hope that I can be happy with myself, content with who I am inside and out, hope that my summer holiday will not be tainted with worry and anxiety over meals out, hope that i can complete the sponsored walk I have organised and hope that I can begin to live again,

Hate.  my Mother always said 'hate is a strong word,' and for once I agree with her.  I don't think I have ever really hated anyone, yes I have had a strong dislike for a few people, their actions, the things they have done to others or how they have made me feel, but probably not hate.

Horny.  just don't give me strawberries......

Hustler.  My old comprehensive school.  I do not have many happy memories of my school days, I kept out of trouble, knuckled down to my school work and just got on with things.  I was bullied terribly but didn't speak up.  As a child when things happen you accept it as the norm...I do not feel any anger towards anyone I went to school with as you never know what there life was like.
I am happy to say I have recently regained contact with some people from school and we have become good friends.  I couldn't have asked for a more supportive group of people even considering the hundreds of miles between us.

Heights!!!  One of my greatest fears, along with flying.  I hate going up ladders, walking over bridges especially when you can see the water beneath your feet.
As a child I can remember going to the top of York Minister and crawling around on my hands and knees just to make me nearer to the ground. 

Holidays.  I used to hate holidays, the change in routine would throw me into chaos.  Now I live for them.
July cannot come around quick enough when we jet off to Turkey for 2 weeks (with Valium for the flight of course)

History.  I wish I had taken more notice during lessons at school.  There is so much that I don't know about and am ashamed to say makes me feel so ignorant...time to get reading I think.

Home.  So glad to be back with my family and friends.  Back to the routines however mundane they are my mundane routines and I wouldn't change it for anything.

Help. Sometimes I should accept it......

letter I tomorrow, night all. xx

Saturday, 2 April 2011

Mothers Day....

It is hard enough dealing with the death of a parent but even more so when it is totally unexpected.
On march 16th I received the news that my Mother had died suddenly, after being ill for less than 12 hours.
How i felt then and how I feel now I cannot put into words, probably as I don't quite know how I feel.
45 minutes after receiving the message I had set off on a train to her home 300 miles away, this has to have been the worst train journey I have had to encounter.
The past few weeks I have survived on adrenalin, stress, cigarettes and wine.
I felt the need to be the strong one, the reliable one, the one who will keep everyone else together when their lives are falling down around them.
My mums husband, they have been together 5 years, married for 2 and I am pleased to say they have had a happy but short life together.
My younger Sister, at 29 this is too young to lose her Mum, especially after losing dad 6 years prior.  She was used to calling mum almost daily, talking over problems with her 4 kids, what was happening with her Uni course, usual sort of stuff...I hope I am able to fill that gap in her life now as she is very much on her own.
I don't know how I managed to get through the funeral, brandy helped!!  Again, I stayed strong, put on a brave face, comforted those around me...kept it all in...I'm afraid of the day that the emotions will come out.
I would be lying if i said my relationship with mum was a bed of roses, It wasn,t.  Despite our differences I hold close the memories of last August when I spent 2 weeks with Mum, Derek, Susan and her children.  I was so pleased to visit Mum in November last year with my Son, a weekend I know he wont forget.
mum died the day before my Birthday, today I opened my birthday cards along with sympathy cards from friends, I still have the card from Mum unopened, as yet I  cannot bring myself to read it.
Myself and my Sister had the task of sorting out Mums things, moments of sadness mixed with moments of humour.  How did Mum end up with a pair of my shoes and a bottle of my Sisters perfume!!!! It felt wrong going through her things, bit like snooping for pressies at Christmas when we were kids!
I have come back with memories from the loft, but it is always the memories in my heart I will hold dear.
For anyone coping with a bereavement food and eating is probably the last thing on their mind, I know this was the case for me.
I have found it impossible to keep on track, in some ways it helped block out the emotions, gave me something else to focus on.  I know this is not right, and will endeavour to be positive and keep myself well....
I have a lot to thank my friends for, I would not have gotten through this without them.  The kind messages were a huge comfort, the visits from old school friends when at Mums and the friendly 'old' faces at the funeral.  Thank you. xx
Well tomorrow is Mothers day. I shall be thinking off you, will buy some flowers and put the cards up which I bought and ironically was delivered the morning of your funeral.
Rest in peace Mum, will miss you and love you.



Monday, 14 March 2011

My A to Z. The G Spot.

Before I hit the G spot I will tell you a little about my weekend.
As usual, had a good one, too many late nights but all with good company.
Went to my very first sleepover on Saturday, better late than never for someone who is nearing 44!!
Had a brilliant evening, great company, chick flicks, fizzy wine and pizza.....yes the dreaded pizza. 
The problem with pizza is it combines all the foods I fear.  Bread, meat and cheese. Real cheese, dripping in grease.  With the girlie's tucking in to spicy chicken and meat feast how the hell can I sit there with an empty plate?
So I ate the pizza, several pieces along with garlic bread, chocolate mice, foam bananas and cola bottles.
Sitting with a belly full of dough which seemed to be expanding by the minute was not conducive to a jolly, bopping around the lounge evening, so I sat, smiled, enjoyed the company and had chronic stomach ache.
Just to be like everyone else, to fit in, to not stand out.  I hope I didn't come across as too much of a party pooper but my mind was otherwise engaged with carbohydrate absorption.  Next morning, stomach suffered much!!
I have a meal planned for my Birthday this weekend and I'm going to an Italian, I am not doing pizza!!!!

Anyway, back to the G Spot.

Greed.  Too much pizza.....

Gorgeousness.  My take on gorgeous.  I love this word.  we are all gorgeous and should embrace this.

Grumpy.  I can be a right grump, especially on a morning.  I hate mornings, I hate getting up.  Not that I'm lazy, it just takes me such a long time to function properly it really is not worth speaking to me.

Girlie.  Glitter, pink, lace, frills, cupcakes....I love all things girlie.  Probably due to my lack of barbie dolls as a child!

Greece.  Love the country, especially the islands.  We were married on the island of kefalonia where captain Correllis mandolin was filmed.  I could spend every holiday there.  Theres something about the laid back attitude of the greeks, the afternoon siestas, the succulent tomastoes, the blue waters and crisps sands, the white washed tavernas.  Can't wait to go back.

Goodnight......xx

Saturday, 12 March 2011

My A to Z The F-word.

F.

Friends.  My relationship with 'Friends' looking back over the years has been quite emotional.
When I moved to somerset in '85 I worked very unsociable hours so the opportunity to form friendships was limited.  I had one close friend who I worked with and I am sad to say have had no contact with him now for many years.  I try as much as I can now regardless of the distance to keep in touch with friends who have moved away, with true friends distance is not an issue, I have that with Jen and Steve.
I made my first close friendship not long after my son was born, we were friends for 14 years until a massive fallout out a year before she died.  To this day I regret never having made up with her.  Although things would have never been how they were at least we would have been on speaking terms.  Maybe that's my guilt...I don't know.
However....over the past couple of years I have  circulated, and have a close group of friends who have brought lots to my life and I hope I have to theirs.They are all individuals with their own  unique qualities, some nearly as bonkers as I am.
 I wouldn't and couldn't be without any off them.




Flatulence.  Oh dear!  Me?  Never....

Fat.  The dreaded F-word!!!   My greatest fear, and as I am learning to accept a totally unfounded fear.  I have never been overweight, and probably never will be.  All in my head and not on my hips.

False. I cannot abide false people.  If you do not like me please do not interact with me!!  I feel a bit of a hypocrite hear because I have been guilty of trying to like someone or being their 'friend' as it made other relationships easier.   never again, I am what you see, like it or lump it.

Fugly.  Is that actually a real word?  Love it, but will leave that for a later letter.

Flirt. I am unashamedly one of the biggest flirts you will ever meet.
That's it for the F's.  i can think of a lot more but I am pushed for time this evening, I'm off for a night of fun and frivolity.  Ooh, theres another two.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Time for some E's

I will start my letter E with one of the most wonderful people I have had in my life.

Elizabeth, or better known as Nana.
My Nan was a typical Northern lass.  She lived in a humble terraced house with her Brother, my great Uncle Ed and there dog Judy.  Nana had been married twice, only one of my grandads I remember as when he passed on I thought he had taken the hamster to heaven with him in his pocket!!
She occasionally shared her home with my cousin Stephen and my Uncle Bob, both of who I got my love of Paul McCartney and the Beatles from.
Nana was my Dads Mum.  She was a tiny little thing, always wore a pinny and had her Birthday on Bonfire night.  I loved that day as she always made cinder toffee and toffee apples.
We used to visit Nana on a Saturday afternoon, she lived near to the football stadium so it was always an interesting experience.  She loved her brown ale and would give us the empty bottles to take to the off sales at the pub to get the money back.  We would spend it on chips then dip them into piccalili from her larder.
When I was married (first time) Nana was unable to travel to the wedding, she was in hospital when I picked up my wedding dress and I will never forget the look on her face when I took the dress to her bedside and took it from the box to show her.  She was glowing.
Nana never had a lot of money or material possessions but she had wealth in her spirit, unconditional love and laughter.  She bought a carriage clock for our wedding gift which I still have and will always treasure.


My beautiful Nan

Effervesant. I like all things bubbly.  Fizzy wine, bath bombs, bubble bath even alka seltzer.  My email contains bubbles!!  I can be a very bubbly person but it doesnt take much for me to lose my fizz.

Eclectic.  My taste in music. I may be a hoarder of the old 80's vinyl but my tastes are varied.  I love acoustic, female vocalists, modern music, soul, rock, ska, reggae,,,almost anything goes.  My fave all times are the Carpenters and the Cranberries.

Enthusiastic.  I love to try new things, to take on new projects.  I jump in feet first and soak up new ideas like a sponge.

Eccles cakes.  Yum, I love the flaky pastry, the crunchy sugar topping, the succulent fruit and the way that you cannot possibly eat one without making a hell of a mess.

Ensure.  A life-saver, but cant stand the egg nog flavour

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

My A to Z. D-Day

Time for the letter D.

D.
Dietitian!!!!  Yes, the dreaded visit to the Dietitian has come around once again. After a horrendous bus journey (a lorry had shed its load and bus was late!!  Man on bus talking about having a 'wank' to ease the boredom.)  Thank goodness the bus started again pretty soon.
Saw the lovely George(ina) who on one hand was pleased with my progress but on the other had the expected talk about the lack of protein, the lack of breakfast before walking to work and the downfalls of running on empty.
Had a brief discussion on food exchanges and came away with a list of acceptable snacks.  Quite amusing having a 'diet' sheet consisting of 50g bar of chocolate, 190g of ice cream and 50g of roasted nuts. Not all together may I add.
She did give me some good advice though on my regimented eating which I will try.
I need to try and alternate the meals I eat rather than have the same thing day in and day out , this saves on panic and wobblys when I do change food and struggle to choose what to eat next.  Ultimately its all down to planning and that is something I do well at.

Dreamy.  I am the ultimate daydreamer, especially before I go to sleep.  I love to lay there just thinking about all the wonderful things I wish I could do or would like to happen. before I know it I'm awake, back in reality and back to work!!  One day, just maybe I will get the lottery numbers right.

Distracted.  Very easily! 

Determined.  When I set my mind to something I will endeavour to do it.  At the moment I am determined to get my life back on track, to be the Jackie I once was.

Dirty.  as in mind, sense of humour.  If you know me you will understand.

Dancing.  I love to dance. me, alcohol and a pole are a very bad combination.   I think the phrase dance like no one is watching was made for me.  When I am 80 I will dance around my zimmer frame whilst wearing purple of course.



Debbie.  My closest friend.  We have only been friends for a few years and I love her to bits. I will always treasure the memories of our nights out, my hen night, pole and burlesque dancing in Bristol, weekends kayaking, the holiday in Egypt, Glastonbury Festival, zorbing, nights out with family and friends and the evenings of deep conversations, putting the worlds to rights over a bottle or three of wine.
We have had our ups and downs but I will always look out for her and defend her to the hilt. 






Dad.  Sadly missed, my Dad, Derek passed away in July 2005 after a very long illness at home.
It would be fair to say that at times he was not the easiest man to get on with, we certainly had our moments, but as I grew older my relationship with my father also deepened. i looked forward to my visit home, especially taking Dad along to the karaoke nights where he would watch me sing with his pint in hand.  It was difficult living 300 miles away from him when he was ill. 
 I always new that one day a call would come with the sad news but that didn't make it any easier.



                                                                  Miss you dad. xx

D-cup.  One day the boobies will regain their size.  :)